Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Xylophonist Shredding It
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Still a very good boi….
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.