[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever