[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

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I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.


Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?

Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games


*sings “somebody that I used to know” loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*


*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.


No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?


All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.


Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?


[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”