1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.