@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

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@TheDiLLon1

1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in

@SarahR_82

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@SteveSackington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@MacMcCannTX

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.