[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

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1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in


I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.


I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.


“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist



1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.


I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.


Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.