[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”