@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

You Might Also Like

@Chicken_Hawk38

I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?

Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games

@Smooheed

*sings “somebody that I used to know” loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@Parentpains

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

@crunchenhanced

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

@BuckyIsotope

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@Fred_Delicious

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”