I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?
Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
*sings “somebody that I used to know” loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*
*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.