[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door