[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house


If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare


I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.


Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.


[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating


Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this


Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.


Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.


Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what