Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“sir you get one phone call.”
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what