Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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broke down and did it
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.