Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.