Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
You Might Also Like
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
this is the best day of my life
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.