police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”