@FweeHouses

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

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@SamGrittner

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@Breadery

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

@CaucasianJames

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@Grommit56

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.