Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You Might Also Like
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What