Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My boss called in sick of me
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.