@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

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@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@ginnyhogan_

I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

@Crunk_Jews

[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”

@mydmac

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@envydatropic

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.