Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.


I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date


Overheard this locker room convo: “The new school janitor is weird. He’s always hiding in here when we’re showering”. I took my mop and left


Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science


All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.


“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’