Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?