If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You Might Also Like
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?
Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.