Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

😂😭

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.