Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.


Pal: “on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals”

Me: “how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?”


Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese


My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.


Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.