Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.