Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You Might Also Like
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.