[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
when someone rings the doorbell
you have three unread messages
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long