POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’d … I’d rather not.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”