Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.