@pizza_dragon

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

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@CurlsOnGirls

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

@10InchesPlus

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@panmidwest

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@BillDixonish

If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.