[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: