Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
SF is the wild wild west man
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.