I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Hard to believe that January 2020 was only seven years ago.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.