@AntozWolf

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

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@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@BatBatshitcrazy

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

@Breadery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.

@ohpeetie

You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.