@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

You Might Also Like

@BoogTweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

@PivotBitch

“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.

@NotARatsAss

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

@ashleyaustrew

First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?

Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.

@thepaulasuzanne

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@PonyboyGA

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*