Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

You Might Also Like


Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh


“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.


My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.


First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?



My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from


I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.


The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.


Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”


*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*