Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

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Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough


The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.


I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!


What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.


hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”


If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.


To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.


“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.