Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
God has left this place
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Called it