Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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“Can we FaceTime?”
Me – No I’m busy
Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.
My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.
First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!
Second time: Oh, another one?
Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife’s car.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*