@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

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@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

@xoCAMILLAxo

I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!

@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.

@iamspacegirl

hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

@TheMichaelRock

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.

@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

@IamEnidColeslaw

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.