Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun