@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

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@Steelers1972

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

@impaulmccoy

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

@Jenn_H_Scott

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

@ozzyunc

[Me: Dead in a coffin at my own funeral.]

My son: Can you log me back in to my tablet? I lost that piece of paper.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@PaperWash

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

@Laser_Cat

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.