“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*Doctor finishes the exam*
“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”
“I’m so mad I could pun-”
*Doctor looks over his glasses*
“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”
– Albert Einstein
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.