Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.


Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.


What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.


“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.


Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*


[Me: Dead in a coffin at my own funeral.]

My son: Can you log me back in to my tablet? I lost that piece of paper.


[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy


angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla


The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.