@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

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@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@thenatewolf

*Doctor finishes the exam*

“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”

“I’m so mad I could pun-”

*Doctor looks over his glasses*

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they donโ€™t like on

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.