I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Home is where your toilet is.
*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
I’m not mad.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.