Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now