@fatherofcomedy

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

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@Shen_the_Bird

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

@Contwixt

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@TheAlexNevil

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he couldโ€™ve just walked around those. Idiot.

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@theshamingofjay

I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

@JerseyRambo

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.