@fatherofcomedy

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

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@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

@WAPratt

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@TheBoydP

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

@RidiculousSheri

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

@InternetHippo

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend