Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce


Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.


Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada


Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”


he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he couldโ€™ve just walked around those. Idiot.


I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.



I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes


I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.