It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
emergency phone
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.