‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
BaD BoY!!
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.