‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.


Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.


I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”


[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]


When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?


[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants



Synchronized swimmers are cool and all, but nothing will ever be as in sync as you and the person trying to get out of each other’s way when you’re both in a hurry.


trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you


Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.