“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
emergency phone
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
This is my brand.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.