@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

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@squirrel74wkgn

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

@heyitsJudeD

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@warmyellowlight

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me