Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*