popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him