popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
@funTweeters
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.