Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ouch
Did my cat write this
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person