pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Free him
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
welcome back
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series