Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.