Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]