Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N