Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.