[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
yes… yes…
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you