@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

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@SooInnocentDad

Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!

@BlindChow

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

@PinkCamoTO

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

@eff_yeah_steph

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

@rolldiggity

It’s going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they’re just like, “We hate corn.”

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.