*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

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Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!


Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.


Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.


It’s going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they’re just like, “We hate corn.”


The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…


I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes


DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.


I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.