*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey