*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.