My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
You Might Also Like
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Blew my mind.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
welcome back