@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

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@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@Mr_Kapowski

It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you

At that point, it’s irrelephant

@mydmac

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

@lorigonzalez28

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

@thepaulahunt

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@Brampersandon_

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

@girlontapas

If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)