*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
This hospital has everything
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.