@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@TDeeRock

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

@WilliamAder

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@BruceForce

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@JustDontBugMe

[Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!