Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
What’s so funny?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]