@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

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@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@kylegotjokes

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

@Nikkeya08

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

@joeldanger

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

@GoodZiIIa

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks