me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather