PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”