@AndrewChamings
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
@Staggfilms
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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@AndrewChamings
@kylegotjokes
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
@neiltyson
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
@Nikkeya08
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
@joeldanger
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
@TheHyyyype
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
@weinerdog4life
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
@NoChillPosts
LMAO
@TheAndrewNadeau
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
@GoodZiIIa
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks