@QwertyJones3

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

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@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@mikejanson2

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

@AlexIsCool69

*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?

@meganamram

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

@Sean_Burgundy_

I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don’t give someone a reason to talk to me

@riotjulesfern

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

@rickkondell

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?