Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
You Might Also Like
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Hey i am sexy to you now
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.