[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.