[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Gemma Correll
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?