@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

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@T_Bonezzz

Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

@Darlainky

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@Marlebean

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

@Try2StopME

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

@KyleMcDowell86

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”