When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Lmbo
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.