[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
There’s only one good girl here!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.